First and foremost let me start by saying I absolutely love my children and know that God has placed each one of them in my womb for some particular reason. I was in no way trying to have another child so soon after my last, in fact, he was only conceived after complications from the birth control I was using (Mirena). After every other precaution we could have taken; tracking my cycle as well as even resorting to taking a plan b pill, God clearly had other plans. This baby was meant to be here and I believe he definitely will serve a greater purpose.
Sure every baby is a blessing, but an unplanned pregnancy is, I’m sure, a shocker to all who has experienced one. I had always imagined having a large family and having everyone over for the holidays… But I never imagined that all the attendees would actually be mine! I could already hear the comments I’d get from people that weren’t even really more than strangers. The stares I would get when in the grocery store with my 4 “wild child” children and this big ole belly in front of me. The fact that I’m only turning 29 and having another baby… my first thoughts?
I was so stressed out when I found out we were expecting again. It was during finals week of my LAST semester of my AA degree and we had gotten engaged just days before. Between the pure bliss of being newly engaged, the agonizing thought in the back of my mind that if I didn’t get at least an 80% on my final I wouldn’t walk, our goal of working towards purchasing our first home… I remember sitting next to Ryan while studying and asking “How are we gonna buy a house AND have a wedding?” AND THEN BAM 💥God was like Let’s throw something else in the mix and see how crazy you go then! Because I literally felt like that’s what was happening.
I remember going to the pregnancy center on my lunch break from work. No lie, I had to pull over and take deep breaths for a few minutes because I was having an anxiety attack. I don’t know why…I had never experienced such anxiety before then. My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That day at the appointment, the nurse asked what number pregnancy this was for me. I sighed deeply and said, 5 😪and then just burst into tears. LIKE WHY AM I CRYING??? I’ve been here before, this isn’t my first rodeo! And then came the ultrasound…I became panicked again! What if there’s more than one? I can’t have have more than one! There’s no way! Can I even have 5?!? Like, is there really a plan for this in my future? Even now, as I sit here writing this, I’m crying.
THEN CAME THE SILVER LINING
And then I thought, what if this is finally my girl?! I began imagining life with a beautiful baby girl. (Like God I know I prayed for one, but I didn’t mean NOW!) This had to be my girl. God was finally answering my prayers! There was noway he’d put me through this and NOT give me a girl right? WRONG!!!! Indeed, I am having my FIFTH son. I was hysterical upon finding out. Who knew that I’d care so much?! I cried almost as if I was in mourning for a daughter I had lost. But really, it’s like I did lose her. I had imagined her! Dreamed of her! Smiled to myself at the thought of this blessing of a girl that I created; that I would birth…and just like that she was gone! To be replaced by a boy… another boy!
GOD SAID, “NOT YET!”
I don’t know why or have all the answers I wish I knew, but for some reason, God felt as if it still weren’t my time. I’ve always wanted to be fully matured when I finally had my daughter so I that I could raise her to be a smart, successful, strong willed woman with goals and morals. Maybe I’m just not ready yet. Maybe he’s still working on me so that I can fully groom and nurture her. God must believe that I’m fully equipped to give my little boys the love they need; And indeed I do, although I know something is still missing.
Well here I am, 22 weeks pregnant and halfway to the finish line…I can now feel my baby boy kicking away inside mommy’s tummy. I smile at his movements. I’m excited to see what he’ll look like; will he be as funny as the other boys? Is he gonna be as sweet as the other boys? Will he be attached to me at the hip like they are? I already love my baby boy and the thought of him growing up with his big brothers literally makes my heart smile. I can’t wait to see his little face and kiss his little toes. So far he is perfectly healthy which is a blessing all in its own. He’s nameless at the moment, only because I feel like nothing I’ve heard is good enough for him yet. It has to be perfect! 👌🏾Perfect and unique in every way. Just for him.
So little one, I apologize for the time we’ve shared together that I regretted being pregnant because you weren’t what I wanted. I’m sorry for a split second I even said I didn’t want you. Even though this isn’t how mommy imagined things would be right now, I know your existence is everything that it should be! Your family can’t wait to meet you! 💙💙💙